This morning after breakfast Joshua wanted me to read his Bible to him and the last two stories we read were about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and then about asking Jesus to come into your heart. So, when we were done I asked Josh if he wanted to pray and ask Jesus into his heart and he said, "Yes." I told him that when we ask Jesus into our heart and live for Him then we will go to heaven. He then says, "I don't want to go to heaven." I told him that was where Jadon was and that mommy, daddy and Josiah are going to heaven too. So, I asked him if he wanted to pray again and he said, Yes. So, we prayed and asked Jesus to come into his heart. Afterwards we called Ronnie and told him and he asked me, "Mom, are you talking to Jesus?" I said, "No, it's daddy." And he said, "Is Daddy and Josiah in heaven?" I said, "No, you only go to heaven if you die or when Jesus comes back to get us and take us there." And he said, "Did Daddy die? I don't want to die." Guess I shouldn't have mentioned the dying part. Kids ask so many questions!!!! Nothing is easy to explain to a 3 year old!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
It doesn't seem possible that 7 years have passed since Jadon was born. When I think about it, at times it seems like it never even happened. I remember being put in the helicopter to fly over to Baltimore and Ronnie having to make the hour drive not knowing what was going to happen in the next moments. I was heavily sedated on Magnesium to stop labor, so I was in and out. I had already dialated to 4 centimeters at 24 weeks. The next 6 days in the hopsital were a waiting period - up and down contractions and wondering how long Jadon was going to stay inside. Then on that 7th day they had to do an emergency C-Section and he lived in the NICU for 2 weeks before going to see Jesus.
Those 3 weeks of my life were the scariest 3 weeks I've ever experienced. We stayed at the Ronald McDonald house there in Baltimore and I lived in the NICU for 2 weeks. I didn't want to miss a moment with him. I remember the day one of the nurses let me change his diaper. I had never handled such a fragile baby. And then she allowed me to put medicine on the sores on his skin were the tubes were. He was so fragile and small. He was on the highest level of ventilation the entire time. He couldn't breathe on his own at all. He had so many problems - under developed lungs, bleeding in his brain and through his body. Then when the day came when everything in his body started to shut down it was over within hours. We had never cried so hard in our lives.
Did I go through periods of anger? Yes. Was I mad at God? Yes. Did I question God? Yes. I didn't feel like it was fair. I had done everything right. I kept thinking, "Why me?" "What did I do to deserve this?" I learned it's ok to question and be angry. But, we can't stay that way. I had nights that I just screamed and cried and didn't understand why my baby was born so early and why I couldn't have had a normal pregnancy like everyone else around me. But, I learned that God's plans aren't always our plans. We don't understand the ways of God.
I may never know why Jadon was born early and taken to be with Jesus, but I know that He has a much better life in heaven than he would've had on this earth. He would've lived a very difficult life if he would've survived. Having been on such high levels of ventilation he could've been completely blind and most likely would've had a severe case of cerebral palsy, would've been fed through tubes, not been able to talk or walk. I wouldn't want that for Jadon. He's in God's hands - completely healed and whole.
God has healed my heart and given me two more precious boys, Josiah and Joshua. I am so grateful for them and for the blessings God has restored to us. He is faithful! 2 Corinthians 5 talks about our heavenly dwelling. v. 6 - 9- Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please Him whether we are at home in the body or away from it.
We've been getting Josiah and Josh gifts in honor of Jadon's birthday each year. And this year Josiah (5) said, "How will we get to Jadon's birthday party?" Jadon, your brothers can't wait to meet you!!! And your dad and I can't wait to see you and hold you again!! I love you Jadon!!!
Posted by Angel at 10:33 AM